E3 2011, In the Year 2000

"In the year 2000... in the year 2000..."

The new Contra that has been teased will be an over-the-shoulder shooter featuring a cover system and regenerating health. It will be exclusively multiplayer with level ups and perks. It will also feature eight hours of cutscenes directed by Hideo Kojima.

Hideo Kojima will announce his first new IP in a decade. However, after the game's first chapter, Kojima pulls a bait and switch and the new IP turns out to be yet another Metal Gear game.

With their new console, Nintendo will announce the game packaged with the system as Nintendo Shovel Battle. In the game, the tablet control device bares the image of a shovel and players bash themselves in the face.

Sony announces rather than digital distribution for the NGP, the handheld will use a new format for games. NGP games will be played by inserting a roll of magnetic strip into the device. The storage media will be called AlphaMax!

For the Halo: Combat Evolved HD remake, Microsoft will release a beta for multiplayer and a campaign demo for Gold subscribers. The demo and beta turns out to be the original Halo and not the HD version, but Live members still believe they're getting a great deal.

Square-Enix unveils Final Fantasy XV. Yoichi Wada says fans of XIII will be excited for this title. The game takes auto-battle and linear locales one step further and removes gameplay altogether.

Capcom introduces a new character for Super Street Fighter IV Arcade Edition: Constipated Gouken.

EA announces their new Game Pass system. In addition to Online Pass, those who buy used copies of EA's games must purchase a $10/800 MS point code to prevent the disc from melting in their system.

In order to revitalize the Guitar Hero and Tony Hawk brands, Activision announces they will be combining the franchises into a single game. The game will astound critics with its perfect blend of skate boarding injected with innovative rhythm mechanics, but it will fail due to players having to purchase $100 of plastic crap and Activision's poor execution of hardware.

2K announces a System Shock reboot. To the shock of many fans, it will be a strategy game.

Sega announces yet another Sonic game. It will suck.

Come on folks, let's hear your predictions for the year 2000.